Things I Thought I Knew

Have you ever had experiences in your life that you still kind of can't believe actually happened?  I felt that way when I came home from teaching English in Kiev, and travelling around eastern Europe for almost five months.  I would look at pictures of myself in Budapest or Prague and think, I really did that?  I really went there?  I felt that way after I married Brad too.  We would sometimes look at each other and be like, "We're married!?  We live in this hilarious, tiny and awfully already furnished apartment together? This is awesome!"  Well, that is kind of how I feel about labor and delivery and bringing our son home.  When we got in the car to come home from the hospital we were like, "We get to keep him? This beautiful, angel child is actually going to live with us?"  We still look at him sometimes and say, "I can't believe he's ours!"  We are absolutely over-the-moon in love with him.    And now that I have been a mom for three whole weeks I am realizing there are a lot of things that I thought I knew...that I just didn't.  

I thought I knew what pain was.  Well, that is kind of a lie, I never felt like I had experienced excruciating pain before.  Maybe a better way to say it is, I thought I knew labor would be painful.  But then I labored for 24 hours and gave birth without medication (by choice) and NOW I know what pain is.  The pain of recovery, nursing and pretty much everything else pale in comparison.  My "pain scale" is totally different now.  More on my decision to deliver naturally later.  

I thought I knew we would go through a lot of diapers.  But seriously, its a little bit ridiculous just how many we go through.  I just. didn't. know.  Now I subscribe to have diapers delivered to my door every month through Amazon Mom.  I love technology!

I thought I knew what anxiety was.  I mean, I've been a full-time college student with a full-time job and a habit of procrastinating long enough to know what anxiety feels like.  But it wasn't until we brought Henry home, whom we had never been able to spend the night with, and whom was always on monitors just in case anything was wrong, that I felt real anxiety.  There were no nurses to watch him, no monitors to make sure everything was ok, it was just us. (Well, us and my mom in the next room, thankfully!)  Henry was in a cradle right next to my bed and I still could not sleep for fear that I wouldn't wake up if he cried, or that he would suffocate, or he would be too hot, or too cold, or he would just stop breathing because SIDS is a thing...and any other awful thing my postpartum mind could conjure up.  I would fall asleep and wake up in a panic 30 seconds later.  Finally I just sat in my rocking chair on the other side of the cradle and just stared at him while he slept.  Oi vey.  See what I mean?  A.n.x.i.e.t.y.  I have a better handle on things now, as my hormones attempt to return to normal levels, but I'm realizing the following statement is also more true than I ever knew.  Having your heart "go walking around outside your body" is sure to produce some anxiety.

I thought I knew that breastfeeding would be tricky.  Tricky.  Hard.  Painful. Stressful. Hilarious. Adorable. Amazing. Weird.  All of those things simultaneously.  You know don't if the baby is getting enough to eat or if he's getting too much to eat and throwing up, if he's latched the right way, if you should wake him up to eat or let him sleep.  Then it hurts when your milk comes in but it hurts when you nurse.  But if you get too full it hurts also, plus you get milk all over the baby and all over yourself because he's fighting you to latch.  Oh boy, I don't know, maybe it's too much information to discuss breastfeeding on my blog, but its a major part of my life now, so what are you gonna do?  I am in complete amazement that my body just knows what to do, that it just produces exactly the nutrients my baby needs and it just showed up when the baby was born!  All I have to do is keep eating and drinking, which I would do anyway.  Amazing.  It's just all amazing...and kinda weird. 

I thought I knew what romance was.  Brad has been known to be very romantic.  I mean, did you see the gorgeous jewelry box that he made me for our 5th anniversary (after he researched and found out that the 5th anniversary is the "wooden anniversary").  He's a really good gift giver, and is very thoughtful.  One time, while we were watching T.V., a commercial came on that showed a room full of men portraying different careers (ie. construction worker, businessman, firemen etc.), and I can't remember what they were doing, or what the commercial was advertising, but there was only one woman in the commercial and she was the waitress, and if I remember correctly, she was quite scantily clad.  Brad said, "Why is the only woman in this commercial the one serving the beer?"  I kissed him right then and there.  It was so romantic to me that he had seen an example of how ridiculous women are sometimes portrayed in the media and commented on it before I even could!  But let me tell you, the things that Brad did for me while I was in labor are some of  the most selfless, kind and romantic things I have ever seen him do.  He literally held me up through some contractions, provided counter pressure to get me through others.  Helped me breathe through the ones I thought were going to kill me. He held the shower head over me for 20 minutes while I labored in the shower to relieve pressure...twice.  He gently reminded me of the goals I had set for myself when I wanted to quit.  He watched the monitor to tell me when the contractions were "on their way out".  He made me laugh (or tried, but remember how much pain I was in?) and gave me numerous pep talks.  He reminded me that I was strong, that I could do this, and that I was amazing!  He never once left my side and he fed me all the ice chips I could have.  He didn't eat or sleep from the moment we got to the hospital and spent all his time and efforts to help me through labor.  He even got me the most beautiful little necklace as a "push present" with Henry's birthstone.  I could go on and on about him, because he was everything I needed him to be and more.


I thought I knew that I could never repay my own mom.  But after becoming a mother myself, I'm realizing that you're even more in debt to your mom for everything she has ever done for you your entire life than I had previously imagined.  My mom came to every high school volleyball game, and most of my club volleyball tournaments.  She waited up for me after dances and dates.  She encouraged me, taught me, laughed with me, cried with me and always played with me.   After I had the baby and Brad was with Henry in the NICU and I was actually alone in the delivery room I called my mom.  It was so nice to talk to her because she just understood.  She and my sister came to California that very day, and I know she would have been there earlier if it were possible.  Since I have had the baby she has answered all of my question and soothed all of my fears.  She honestly does know everything about raising babies (and pretty much everything else too!)    

I thought I knew what love was.  When it comes right down to it, my heart is more full of love that I knew it could be.  I know its cliche, I've heard every other new mom say it, but it's something you can't really comprehend it until it happens to you.  You think your love is going to be divided between your spouse and your new baby, but its not, its multiplied. I think it even allows you to love others, even strangers, in a way you didn't before.  Because now that you're a mom, you start to see other people has someone's baby, who needs to be loved.  And you start to understand, in the smallest way, the love that our Heavenly parents have for us.  I love this tiny boy, this tiny mixture of me and the man that I adore, so much that my heart can hardly contain it.

It turns out there are a lot of things I thought I knew.  I might as well get used to the feeling, I suppose.  Motherhood is going to be the adventure of a lifetime!